The Paths We Choose Series

Part VII: Hope and Fear

Rating: M
Pairing: J/C
Summary: A sudden loss leaves the couple unsure about the future.
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom own the series and the characters that are related to Star Trek: Voyager, but the story is mine.
Length: 1631 words
Date: April 1999

It was happening again. The nightmares. Why? Why wouldn't they stop? She had finally felt as if her life were returning to normal. Until t he nightmares began. They were always the same. She would be walking down one of Voyager's many corridors. She would walk, and she would walk, and she would walk, but she would never get anywhere. It was tiring. She swore, some days she woke up looking more exhausted then when she and gone to bed, and Chakotay would worry. He'd ask her if she was okay, and her answer was always the same. She would state she was fine and life would go on.

Then one day the nightmare changed, it was a subtle change. She would peek through the doors, and see one of earth's seasons. Spring, then summer, then fall and finally winter. A cold harsh winter. She would walk through the doors and expect to end up in a sunny glen, or a snow filled valley, but as usual she would end up in one of Voyager's hallways. Why? Why wouldn't the nightmare's stop?

Then one day both her and Chakotay were off duty, and the conversation she knew was coming eventually was brought out into the open.

They were in their quarters, they had just finished dinner. Chakotay looked as if he were mulling over some problem in his mind.

"Kathryn come here please."

"Yes Chakotay, what is it? You've looked a million miles away all morning."
"Kathryn, do you want children?"

This thought scared her. She had been taking birth control ever since the miscarriage. She had needed time to heal, but apparently her time was up. She knew she wanted children some day, but she wasn't sure now was the right time. In all honesty she was scared. She also realized neither of them was getting any younger, and at this point it was now or never.

"Okay Chakotay, let's talk about this."

Here we go. She was trying to reason things through. Well I guess that is part of the reason I love her. It all comes together, can't have the good without the bad. I'm going to be honest with her, rational, blunt. It is the only way I am going to get through to her.

"Kathryn I want to have children, but I need to know that it's what you want too. We're already older then most first time parents. If we're going to try, it had to be now.

She knew he was right, and she knew what she had to do.

"Alright Chakotay. I'll stop taking the birth control, and we'll give it a try."

Chakotay slept well that night, better then he'd slept in years. Kathryn was a different story. The nightmares continued, and one again she wondered; Why?

The couple tried for six months to get pregnant. Each month they went through the same hope, fear and eventual disappointment when Kathryn wasn't pregnant. The nightmares grew worse, and her hopes and prospects of children darkened, and her dread expanded.

Then one day she decided she had to do something about this.

"Chakotay, this isn't working. We've been trying for ten months to get pregnant and we've still had no luck. Maybe we should stop, maybe it wasn't meant to be.

"Kathryn for me family is everything. Give it a couple more months."

And so she did, and the nightmares continued. Then one day everything changed. She walked through a door where there was a cold harsh winter, and she ended up in a turbo-lift. The same turbo-lift where she had miscarried nearly a year earlier. She waited for it to stop, and ended up in engineering. That's when she saw it; an infant sitting in a carrier. There was no sound, but the child was crying, she felt the need to get to the child. As she approached she knew something was wrong. She tried to walk up to the child but something was in her way. There was a force field between her and her baby, an obstacle that could not be defeated. Every time she made progress a new obstacle presented itself. At that moment she made a decision; Life was unfair.

As soon as the decision was made in her mind, the force field dropped and everything vanished. She looked around and realized she was falling, hurtling through the stars. Crying out for help, but there was no one there to listen. When she stopped crying out she realized the peacefulness of her predicament, and she relaxed. Then there was nothingness, and she felt an extreme sense of emptiness overtake her.

And the nightmares stopped.

A few weeks later she went to the doctor for her annual checkup. The things revealed to her that day would have an impact on everything. Such a routine chore, such devastating results.

"Captain, I know you and the Commander have been attempting to conceive a child, but I'm afraid it's futile."

"Why doctor? What happened?"

About a year ago when you had accident, when you lost the child, the scar tissue plugged up your fallopian tubes. The ova are unable to make the descent. I'm afraid Captain, without medical intervention there is a 0% chance of conception. Even with my help and invasive surgery, the chance of you getting pregnant is only about 1 in 10. I'm sorry Captain."

"Thank you doctor"

With that the Captain got up to leave. Her hopes and dreams had been crushed, but she had to go on. Part of Kathryn died that day in sickbay, but for the crew's sake the Captain had to keep going. And so she would.

Kathryn walked back to her quarters and began to cry. She would only allow herself this weakness in the dark, when she was alone. Crying was a sign of weakness, and Captains were not allows to be weak. Kathryn knew Chakotay was on duty for at least another three hours, so she had that amount of time until she had to put the Captain's mark back on. In some ways she didn't really know who she really was. The Captain and Kathryn were so closely intertwined that there were times when she wondered which she was. And there were times when both felt right. There were times when neither felt right. And there were times when both worked in unison to create a person that felt like she belonged. Confusion was a fact of life for her, for both sides of her persona. For Kathryn and for the Captain.

Chakotay entered their quarters. He had to be quiet, Kathryn would be sleeping. She had a shift in two hours. He hears a noise. What was that?

"Kathryn?"

"Yes Chakotay? I'm here, what is it?"

"Why aren't you sleeping? Don't you have a shift in a couple of hours?"

"I wasn't tired, but you can go ahead and sleep. Don't mind me."

Chakotay almost took her words at face value, but something stopped him. The cadence in her voice was a little off, something wasn't quite right.

"Kathryn, can you come here for a minute?"

"Just a second."

Kathryn walked into the room. Everything was in place, hair up, uniform tidy, everything appeared to be perfect. Too perfect. Something was wrong.

"Kathryn, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. Why do you ask?"

"No reason, you just sounded a little odd. That's all."

"No, I'm fine."

Chakotay left it alone. When she was ready she would tell him. Until then there was nothing he could do but wait. Why couldn't she be honest with him? Why couldn't she just admit it when she needed help? *Because then she wouldn't be the stubborn, pig-headed Kathryn you fell in love with* She would come around, he just had to give her the time she needed. And so he did.

Kathryn once again threw herself into her work, just as she did every time she had a problem, which she didn't know how to deal with. She knew she was pushing Chakotay away again, but she didn't know what else to do, she didn't know how else to deal with this. Would he still be there after she told him she would be unable to bear his children? She knew she had to tell him, but she was afraid of failing him, and of failing herself, but what of the children who would never be born? The children who would never see the light of day, and who would never know the love Chakotay was capable of. Such a shame. He would have been such a good father to these children.

"Kathryn"

"Yes"

"Kathryn, we have to talk."

"About what?"

"I spoke to the doctor. He told me everything. Why didn't you come to me?"

"I was afraid. I know how much having children means to you, and I know how good a father you would be. I didn't want to lose you."

"But Kathryn, surely you knew I would never walk out on you. This isn't your fault."

"I'm the one who miscarried Chakotay. I'm the one who couldn't manage to carry our child to term. I'm the one..."

"Kathryn stop it. Would you listen to yourself for a minute. I don't blame you for what happened. If we never have children it's not the end of the world. Life will go on. I love you my brave woman warrior."

"And I you my angry warrior."

And so life went on. Maybe there would be no children in the couple's future, but as long as they had each other the nightmares would stop. The road continued and the hope lived on.

THE END